How How Can Sex Be An Addiction?

Does Codependency Mean Being a Victim? Does Codependency Mean Being a Victim?

Sex as An Addiction?! What's Wrong With Sex?!

Nothing is wrong with sex! It strengthens emotional bonds, it creates children and untold amounts of pleasure. So when is sex an addiction?

Sex addiction exists when one person's sexual acting out harms finances, intimate relationships, careers, self-esteem. Even though the addict recognize the mounting negative consequences to their lives, they don't seem to have the will or desire to stop their behavior. Like all addicts, SA's might begin to react to the negative consequences by rearranging their lives - eliminating those who express concern, growing more isolated or developing relationships with new 'friends' that they may not respect, but with whom they feel comfortable with in their acting out. Sexaholics Anonymous and the affiliated co-dependent groups, S-Anon view sex addiction and it's codependence as progressive diseases: rather than the addict being a bad person, the SA (sex addict) is a sick person in need of compassion and honesty.

Sexual addiction can be carried out with one or several partners, or in isolation. The most common form of "acting out" is a combination of masturbation and pornography: fantasy is used as the primary means to relieve stress, to the exclusion of other forms of stress reduction (like exercise, talking it out, dealing head-on with challenges). Excessive amounts of money might be spent on pornography, or the addict might avoid responsibilities, even miss work, to engage in this activity. (Raised as a good liberal, I personally didn't understand this as an addiction until I read David Mura's essay: "A Male Grief: Notes on Pornography and Addiction" which won the Milkweed Creative Non-Fiction Award. He speaks graphically and analytically, convincing me porn can indeed be an addiction.) Another common form of "acting out" are sexual/emotional affairs in a theoretically monogamous partnership. The affairs can be secretive or evidence can cruelly be left behind for their partner's discovery. Emotional and physical affairs can damage trust in oneself and others ("if I do it, then everyone must be doing it"), and the trust of loved ones. The shame involved in 'secret' activities damage self-esteem.

Intimacy of almost any kind is difficult for the sex addict to tolerate as it generates anxiety. Why? Shame and low feelings of worth are a 'secret' that they try to maintain, and intimacy (being known) reveals secrets. Compulsive activities of any type are an ineffective attempt to deal with anxiety. Compulsive sexual behaviors don't provide either lasting emotional or sexual satisfaction. They also mean that less time is spent on constructively dealing with the problems that are causing the anxiety. So the anxiety grows and requires more and more stimulation to provide escape or release. Therefore the addictive behaviors become more extreme in an attempt to get them to "work". This is what causes the 'progression' of sexual addiction.

Does Codependency Mean Being a Victim?

And what about the sex addict's partner? Chances are they are addicted to behavior that is keeping them from a healthy, productive life too. "Codependent" addiction behaviors include blaming ("my life would be better if only you'd ..."); self-pity; a sense of responsibility or self-blame for any of the addict's behavior; obsession over the partner's behavior; attempts to control the thoughts, beliefs, and activities of the partner; trailing or checking up on their partner; revenge; punishment, minimizing the pain they feel because of the partner's activities and not protecting themselves emotionally, or not protecting themselves physically from the STD's that they might be exposed to. The root of all of these behaviors are feelings of anger, betrayal, fear. These emotions are healthy indicators warning us that something in our lives (or thinking) is harmful. But codependents don't act constructively on the messages their feelings are providing. Instead of reacting constructively to the reality they are seeing, or detaching themselves, instead of doing whatever is necessary to care for themselves, they hold onto the emotion and drama and attempt to change their partner's thoughts or behavior. Since no adult can change another (temporary coercion is a possibility, but the backlash is inevitable), this engages the codependent in an activity as fruitless as the sex addict's seduction and orgasms. The codependent becomes literally addicted to the emotional drama of sex addiction, ignoring their needs and probably those of their children as well. Their lives and well-being languish as they obsess about another adult's behavior. Codependency is not about being a victim. Codependency is about an addiction to emotional drama. That's why for every 'addiction' 12-step program, you'll find a 'codependency' addiction group: practicing addicts are the most reliable source for emotionally absorbing drama! :) Codependents would rather take responsibility for the world than face their own needs and character defects, somehow the world seems so much easier to change than ourselves!

Both partners probably feel caught in a hellish world where no matter what they do, things only get worse. One definition of insanity and addiction is when you do the same thing over and over again, hoping for different results! When you are finally sick of the results of your addictive behavior, and are motivated to try something different, this is where recovery comes in, and the news that you don't have to live 'this way' any longer.

If you are reading this, you are probably feeling a lot of pain right now. There is no reason to handle this on your own, and in fact, trying to handle everything on your own (physical or emotional isolation) is probably part of your problem. I encourage counseling, 12-step meetings and the use of your close, trusted friends if sexaholism is a problem in your life. Warning: don't go to people that have a history of shaming or disapproving of your feelings. You need support and encouragement and role models to change, not demeaning criticism or ignorant 'advice'.