Republican Candidates

The 1996 election will be an exciting time for the party, and for the country. This year, the Republican Party is persuing a strategy of "quantity, not quality" when it comes to candidates and advertising.

The Contenders

Steve Forbes:Let's face it: Steve Forbes is the only candidate who anybody respects. Plus, he's not Bob Dole.

Bob Dole: Bob Dole was the front-runner before the race actually got started. He has the experience necessary to govern the country, he's a war veteran, and he's, um, more stuff like that, I think. The only problem is, he seems to bore the American public to tears.

Phil Gramm: Phil Gramm pulled off an impressive upset in Iowa, managing to buy exactly as many votes as Bob Dole. In addition, Gramm seems to be the only candidate to have mastered campaigning on the internet.

Peter Wilson: Peter Wilson staked out the law-and-order issue, with fiery rhetoric and positions that changed so often that they were unassailable by the other candidates. But then he dropped out, proving himself to be a loser, a weenie, and a jerk.

Lamar Alexander: Lamar Alexander's campaign is struggling, but there is hope. He has recently hired some of the world's leading logicians to formulate a proof that he is indeed an "outsider," despite having serverd in Nixon's and Bush's cabinets.

Pat Buchanan: Pat Buchanan doesn't need to hire logicians; he's a masterful speaker and debater. He has managed to convince many people of his views on issues where his position is, for lack of a better phrase, way out there.

Alan Keyes: Alan Keyes is a traditional pulpit-pounding republican. Other than that, he's pretty unremarkable.

Arlan Specter: Our staff of researchers is currently trying to find information on Specter's campaign. As soon as any is located, it will be posted here.

Dick Lugar: With both first and last names that sound like non-PC jokes, Dick is sure to irritate many people. Other than that, we haven't been able to find out much about him/her.

Robert Dornan: Robert Dornan is a fierce supporter of some legislation in the Senate, and he represents his constituents in congress. He supports some causes, and opposes others.

Bud "Cut" Longmember: We're still not sure who this guy is. Some people are claming that he's Henry Kissinger in disguise. He assures us, however, that he's a Republican, and running for President.

Dan Quayle: This year, the RCC is delighted to announce that Dan Quayle will be running as a Democrat. We urge you to give him all the support you can -- his election would completely destroy the Democratic party.

Tom Shellenberg: Who is this guy? No-one seems quite sure, and some on the Committee think that in our haste to get as many candidates as possible, we might have have picked someone at random.

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